Affirmation 6/30/17

Okay, you can do this. People are people, and the only one you have any say over is you. Be the best you possible. Do not let the mindsets of others impact your own. You can do this. You are capable. You can handle this. You are in control of your mind and body. You can do this.

I’m glad you’re here.

Affirmation 1/27/17

Deep breath. Slow, calming breaths. It’s not easy to block out worry. It feels impossible. But do your best. Worrying won’t make things better. It won’t help your heart or mind. Breathe into the calm of today.

I’m glad you’re here.

Affirmation 10/10/16

You are more than another face on the earth. You are more than another body. You are an incredible mind. You are a beating heart. You are full of ideas and feelings and hopes. You are full of the strength and power to do so much. Keep being you. We need you.

I’m glad you’re here.

Affirmation 9/22/16

Dear one, so much is outside of your control. Breathe deep into yourself and embrace what you have. Exhale your need for control. Worrying cannot save you. In a week you won’t remember what you were worried about. Breathe in peace, exhale worry. You are in control of your mind and heart and body.

I’m glad you’re here.

Affirmation 8/23/16

You’ve seen it every day for almost three months. Maybe it’s lost its potency, so please pay attention. I’m glad you’re here. You are making a difference. You have a voice worthy of being heard. Don’t let people make you feel differently. You have value. Your ideas, words, emotions, thoughts, they’re real and valuable. I’m glad you’re here. There are people in your life who look forward to seeing you, hearing from you. I’m glad you’re here. Your heart and mind matter. I’m glad you’re here. You can do this.

I’m so glad you’re here.

Adventure in the Waiting Game

I saw my new doctor two weeks ago. It was devastating. She hardly said words to me, and when I asked for more information about my MRI results, she led me to check out. Never to be seen again. There is some, it’s not good news, I guess. There’s some news.

I received a call from the neurologist’s office. I was scheduled to see a general neurologist, but he looked at my MRI results and symptoms and recommended me to the Multiple Sclerosis specialist. I know that doesn’t mean that’s what it is, but it definitely means I’m heading toward some answers. Which is pretty encouraging. I feel good that I’m getting a real answer, or that I’m on my way to one. I’m scared that this is what the answer is going to be. But I’m hopeful to finally be in the direction of help. Unfortunately, I have to wait now until December 8, instead of November 18.

It’s a terrible feeling when your mind is betraying you. A mind I had, mostly, come to trust. I have, usually, an impeccable memory. But now I feel like I’m floundering to remember the simplest tasks and words. Last night, and this I guess is big news too, I sucked it up, put my fear aside, and went to a worship service at the Salvation Army. It had its set back, but I’m glad I went. Standing by a dear friend, with a dear friend behind me. It’s true about being protected on all sides. Because there was someone there that makes me feel unsafe, and I didn’t give it a second thought. I mean, I bolted out of there when it was over, but still. It’s a step. But my hands were shaking the entire service. My hands clutched the seat back in front of me. For balance and to steady my hands. But ultimately something deeper was revived.

What really scares me about all of this is the being alone. I know that I am surrounded by people who love and support me. The collection of cereal I’m still wading through is proof of that. The encouragement. The prayers. I know I’m not alone. But I am physically on my own most days. I like living alone. I prefer it, but some days I get scared. And not just because choking to death is an actual fear of mine. Long before I’d started watching 30 Rock. 

But now there are new factors. Like trying to get out of bed and having a migraine so crushing I collapse to the floor, where I stayed for a couple of hours. Like when I forget how to get somewhere, but know I have to get there in my car, which I may or may not remember that I’m driving. When I’m scared to death of how the future looks and don’t have any of my dearest friends right next to me or down the hall anymore.

I find myself trying to stay too busy. Because I don’t want to be alone to think about things. I’m scared to. But then I find myself playing a part. I feel so far from myself. No. That’s not true. I feel dishonest. I feel like part of me is hidden away. I assume a lot about what people are looking for or expecting of me. That I think I’m supposed to appear fine all of the time. That I think I’m supposed to have it all together. That I’m supposed to be bubbly and excited about every person I see. **Spoiler alert** I’m not. Sure, that’s part of me. But if I could be sincere about how I feel all of the time it would be simultaneous and constant screaming paired with sobbing, which I’ve found, people don’t love for you to do. Life feels tense everywhere. I have to be upbeat or super approachable or helpful or friendly, and I’m not saying I can’t be those things. I can. I have been. Part of me is. But I’m just so damn scared of fading away. Of being rendered useless. Of spending the rest of my life on my own, because if I feel like a burden now, it’s only going to get worse. And that truly terrifies me.

I didn’t realize just how proud I am of my mind until I started to watch it fade away. I don’t know how people survived this way without things to remind them. The notes I carry around in my person or pockets. The list of reminders set in my phone. The things I just keep repeating to myself. I’m still not doing great with locking my door. I can’t seem to get that one to click. (you’re welcome).

An adventure in enjoying an imagination

Did I just see “Where the Wild Things Are”? Yes. Had I been anticipating it with every fiber of my being? More than Harry Potter. Do I get sick to my stomach when someone says they wasted their money on it or they won’t see it because of some clouded cynical judgment? Very.

I’m listening to and reading what my friends have to say about this movie and it hurts. Some of them won’t even give it a chance and some of them completely missed the point.

The relationships are so child-like. I had those fights with kids when I was little. When Max ran away I felt the fear of running and running and if you stop you’re in trouble so you just keep going. It’s scary.  Of the huge imagination that literally takes you away.

And for someone to miss it entirely. Are we so “grown up” at this point that we can’t remember anymore what it’s like to have an imagination that isn’t riddled with “clever” dirty jokes? Have our lives truly been that horrible that we are so jaded that we can’t allow ourselves to remember the joy of imagining as a child does?

My life has not been awesome. I’m cynical. I’m bitter, but there are some things I can’t let myself forget about and my child-like imagination is one of them. Friends from high school think this means I’ll just never grow up and be mature.

I think it means exactly the opposite. What good is a parent who stifles a child’s imagination and dreams? What good is a parent who can’t remember what it’s like to travel to grand places in our minds?

Maybe I am too much of a kid still, but I think that’s better than forgetting what it’s like entirely.

The relationships of children are so important. How we interact with our parents, our siblings, our friends they shape how we’ll interact in relationships when they’re even more important. How we’ll interact with each other when all we need are relationships.

How I interacted with Krista Kowatch in elementary school set the course for how we’d interact in high school. And those mistakes, those horrible relational decisions set the course for some of the greatest learning I’ve ever done. And now she’s one of my closest friends.

Learning how to love my mom when I was a kid shaped how very much I love and more over appreciate her now.

Children are important. What they think is important. How they grow is important. And we can’t just discredit that.