An Adventure In Not Backing Down Or Finding My Passion

A few years back a bunch of us gave up bullshit for Lent. Not just lying. Bullshit. No skirting around the truth. No lies by omission. Straight talking. That’s what we wanted. It didn’t last. Because people made mistakes and didn’t want to face each other. Life.

I’m trying it again. Just on my own. Dealing with myself. I’m done with people who can’t be real. I’m not cutting them out of my life, but I’m cutting them from my trust. I’m done giving my heart to people who don’t care. I adore straight talk. People sitting at a table. Talking. About hard stuff. How much life sucks. How hard it is to be alone. My mom asking me if something she’s wearing looks silly. Yes. It does. She actually appreciates it. Honesty goes a lot further than people give it cliched credit for.

But it brings me to a new problem. I’ve spent so much time lying to myself that I’ve  become lost. I do not know what my passion is. I don’t know what pushes me.  Mom asked me about a week ago what I’m passionate about and all I could honestly offer her was a shrug. I don’t know.

We were discussing it yesterday though and I realized that if I lived in a different time I would be working in service. Not like a sales clerk. I would be working in some house somewhere as the coal maiden or the dairy maiden or the house maid. My great grandfather was a chauffer. This is my fate. And I’m okay with that. Well, I would be, if such occupations still existed. Really. I mean it’s not like I can go work for the Vanderbilts. Ya know? So what is it?

I’d make a damn fine production assistant. In fact, I do, but you have to be connected to the right people to acquire such a position. And it’s a bottom of the ladder job, intended for growth. But I just want that job or someone’s personal assistant. I love taking people’s shit and being helpful and just being useful with really no recognition. It’s a weird thing to want, but that’s what I want.

I do love film and television. I’m damn good at working on set. I’m just not connected because I live in Indiana and majored in English. Idiot.

Every day.