Affirmation 5/18/18

Keep listening. Keep learning. Keep trying. You’re doing great.

I’m glad you’re here.

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Affirmation 4/2/18

Today try to push yourself a little harder. It’s okay if you feel like you’re already pushing too much. It’s okay to take a break too. Honestly, you can’t do today wrong. There are no wrong decisions, just more complicated outcomes. All are learning experiences. So whatever you choose for today, mean it.

I’m glad you’re here.

Affirmation 1/5/18

Friend, take all of the time you need. Your body is healing. Your heart is healing. Your mind is healing. They are also always learning and growing and changing. You are constantly moving in beautiful ways. You’re incredible.

I’m glad you’re here.

Adventure in acceptance, personal and social

As a child I did not go to pre-school. I’m not even a little bit upset that my parents decided it would be better for me to spend more time with them than “learning” my colors. It did offer a small challenge that I still face today. Acceptance. I was quite keen on spending time with the kids in the neighborhood, which for quite an extended period of time were exclusively male. I spent that time in the shadow of my older brother, who for those of you keeping records, will always be cooler than I. As a 6-year-old girl there’s nothing cool about you to your 9-year-old brother. That’s just a fact. And let me tell you that as a 13-year-old girl there’s even less coolness to be noted by your 16-year-old brother.

To say I struggle with acceptance is an under statement. I pine to be a “cool kid,” but not enough to put any sort of effort into it. In my head the freak that I was categorized as in high school, is the cool kid I want to be. I’ve never been partial to being like everyone else, and yet I wanted everyone else to like me. I still do. In my pursuit of acceptance from other people I find myself torn into a jealous fit when it comes to people who force the acceptance of others upon them. The people who must always inform you every time they spend time with the people you want to know better. Or worse when they tout their growing relationships with your friends, in a way of making you feel edged out. It’s really a very juvenile look at acceptance, this need to make the relationships of others feel inferior to what you are capable of.

I have a complicated relationship with my grandmother, to put it mildly. Between her constant praise of my brother to me and her constant berating of my life’s choices I’ve never felt good enough. And often it feels like she sees to that. It’s as if she works to ensure I feel that useless. Her words began coming to me at a very sensitive developmental time, and they have stuck with me. In part because they continue to come from her, but also because there are just some things you shouldn’t tell anyone, let alone a 13-year-old girl. So while part of me wants to seek the approval of my grandmother, the very rebellious part of me wants to ensure I never get that approval. It does put me in a real bind though, because while I know I’ll never get her approval her words have also guaranteed I will never get my own.

While I constantly pursue the acceptance of others, I know I will never truly find that until I accept myself as I am. And then I find that all of that is made more irrelevant when I remember that the only acceptance I should need is Christ’s. My heart is constantly screaming “His grace is enough!!” at my brain, but my brain’s a real bitch. She never listens. And if I can’t get my brain to accept my heart how do I get my heart to accept me? How do I get my heart and brain to accept Christ’s acceptance? How do I get my brain to accept me? And how do I get over my juvenile plea to be loved and accepted by people I don’t even care about?