Affirmation 9/28/17

Light among light can get lost. It’s nice. It’s warm. It’s comfortable. Life isn’t always comfortable. You aren’t a flashlight in the sunlight. You’re burning brilliantly in the darkness. You’re burning warmly in the cold of the dark. Keep shining, beautiful starlight.

I’m glad you’re here.

Adventure in Muscle Memory

Muscle memory, if you don’t know, is when your body locks away an action you’ve done over and over. The way Alzheimer’s patients can play instruments because it still lives in their fingers. It’s helpful. That rhythm is often kind. You don’t think about tying your shoes anymore. Your body understands how to keep a bike moving. A waltz becomes simple. 

Muscle memory isn’t all bike rides and music though. 

Some times your body remember things your brain has locked away. It holds onto memories you didn’t know you had. 

While it was just five months ago that I was raped, my body remembers something else. 

This week my brain has been exhausted. My eyes have struggled to focus. On more than one occasion I’ve found tears on my face without knowing I was crying. My body ached from movements I wasn’t making. My belly hurt. A particular sadness set over me. Try as I might I can not shake it. 

The internet is useful. This particular sadness goes back six years. While I couldn’t pin down the date for you, it must have been around this time. Six years ago in Indianapolis I was assaulted. And while my brain knows it happened, my body remembers better. 

My memory is good. Not as good as it used to be, but often better than the average person’s. I appreciate that right now it is trying to protect me, while my body is trying to remind me.

It would be nice if body’s also remembered the same way, without real provocation, good things. The comfort and calm you feel in the presence of certain people. The comfort of specific actions. That every time you showered it came with the same bliss as that first dive of summer into the pool. That every shiver came with the beauty of those first snowflakes falling on your skin. That every hug with safe people offered the same warmth as hugs with the safest people. 

Maybe other bodies do. Mine doesn’t. 

My best sent me the above. Source unknown. 

Affirmation 9/26/17

Friend, you are valid. Your pains are valid. Your struggles are valid. Your goals are valid. So are those of people around you. We’re in this together. Listen to each other. Support each other, not just in successes. Support each other when it’s uncomfortable, when you don’t fully understand. Support isn’t about how it benefits you. Support is taking a step back from yourself to help someone else. It’s okay to let people in.

I’m glad you’re here.