Adventure in Accidental Hobby

Since I’ve moved downtown I’ve spent a lot more of my time wandering. Last summer and autumn I found myself fascinated by something that used to be so commonplace. To be fair, they still are commonplace. Most of us just don’t need them anymore.

I think that’s why I love them. They started as a joke to me, because I’m a bad human who relishes my wealth too much. But as it happens I fell in love. They seem irrelevant, and they aren’t. I’ve started collecting them. It’s the only way I can describe it. I appreciate, but never add any pictures of them sent to me by friends. If a friend sees one, and thinks of me, I appreciate the thought, but never share it. This is an organic and personal project. If you’ve been in the car with me when I’ve seen one you know how weirdly important it is to me. I’ll yell, and if I’m driving slam on the brakes. I gasp so loudly you”ll think you’re about to die. I have to get them. It’s a part of me. I’m starting in Fort Wayne. I’ve seen them other places, but until I’m satisfied with what I’ve found at home I will not branch out.

Nothing breaks my heart more than a shell. An empty shell. It tricks me and tears my heart out. I only ever collect an empty shell if I find it near a filled shell.

With that knowledge. Here they are. I don’t know which ones work. I never test them. I never change the scene. I take them as they are, as I hope people take me.

 

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Adventure in Restructuring Revisited

Truth is, I wrote this a March ago, and I’m not at all sure why I never posted it. It’s nothing special. It’s not important, but it doesn’t seem right for it to keep sitting here. Finished.

Until last night I had not slept since Thursday night. Some of that was my own doing, some of it can be blamed on my brain (I call it Brian). One night off will upset my whole schedule.

What I came to realize is that I slept hard Sunday to Thursday. Hard. One night I got a little sad, pretty sad, so I went to bed and I slept 11 1/2 hours. I don’t even feel bad about it. I was processing my week with a friend, and I realized I was granted so very much sleep last week to prepare me for this sleepless weekend. Because the truth is Friday night I needed to be awake. I needed to not take a moment to myself. Some Friday nights I wanted to stay up late, most Friday nights I want to be in bed by 9, with every intention of waking up early on Saturday, a whole day free.

This particular Friday night I stayed up after midnight with a friend. And as I attempted to restlessly to sleep, my phone rang around 2 a.m. The thing about 2 a.m. phone calls is that they are either someone very drunk or someone very hurt. I don’t always answer them. I usually know which it’ll be based on the name. Friday night I had to answer. And I’m glad I did. I’d have stayed on that phone as long as I needed to. And while my friend in crisis had to go, I had to stay. I had to stay up. My brain wanted me to be the one to save her. My brain was convinced I could be. But the longer I stayed up. The longer I prayed–for her, for Joel, for Thailand, for any number of things–I was reminded I am not sufficient. I. Am. Not.

I know, full well, if I had driven to see that friend in the middle of the night it would have been appreciated on both sides (had I even been capable of that), but the truth is I would have been going because I could. Because I believed I could save her. Not only is that not my job, it is not something I’m capable of doing. And it’s very much in my nature to save people. I cannot do this. I can help where I’m needed and where I’m sent, but I am no one’s savior. I have to step back, a lot, to remind myself that not a damn thing in my life is about me.

Thankfully, I am increasingly surrounded by people who don’t let me stay stagnant, who don’t let good enough suffice. I am surrounded by people who actively push me to be better, to do better, but I’m also surrounded by people whose existence in my life draws me, compels me to be and do better. To live boldly.

I’m not there. I’m shit at it. But I’m getting there. I’m improving.