An adventure in finding my place

So I’ve been going to the 509 for a while now. I love it. I learn sooo much there. More than I ever have at any other place of worship. I went to the service bonanza tonight because I feel like I need to be giving back in some capacity. I have pride issues so I can’t let myself be in a position where I will be acknowledged. And while I’m sitting there┬átrying so hard to let God show me where I belong I write this.

 

i do not belong here. even someone who doesn’t go here is more comfortable sitting in this room than i am. i do not belong. i am not comfortable. i don’t know the handshake. i don’t know the password. the whistle. i don’t know why i am here. i don’t belong here. i have pride issues. i can’t do things people know about. i can’t watch people taking and not relinquishing control, and not accepting help or letting other be known for helping because it means they aren’t the focus. it’s hard to watch a leader of the church needing to be congratulated/thanked/known. i don’t belong here. i don’t. it’s tiring. it’s tiring trying to belong. i can’t do it. i don’t belong. i’m not meant to be here. i need to be behind the scenes getting no blatant recognition, but it hurts when doing the same job as someone else who is. i need to be never seen, but too much credit is dealt out. i can’t. i don’t belong. i’m not meant to belong anywhere. i don’t belong. i’ve never learned or grown more than i have here, but i just can’t fit.