Misadventure

Late October surrounded by people I trusted in a bar I feel safe I was drugged.

On April 7 in the middle of the day at a “friend’s” house I was assaulted.

On April 25 in the middle of the night in a stranger’s house I was raped.

On August 5 in the evening outside of a bar with friends just inside I was assaulted.

I could go back years. I won’t because I know my mom reads this, and I’ve already said enough to break her heart. Enough to break my own.

I say none of this because I want any sort of pity. I don’t need it. I’m stronger than pity. I’m braver than pity.

Right now though, my mind feels like an itchy scab. Life scratches at the itch because it’s unbearable, but all of that healing gets ripped off in the process. The would starts to bleed again. Never as much as the initial cut, but still beads of dark red build. Huge gashes in my mind, all of them at different stages of healing. All itchy.

I started seeing a therapist again. She’s new in my life as my therapist, but not new in my life. She explained to me that my trauma is living in my limbic system right now. That part of my brain thinks it all just happened, thinks it happened moments ago all of the time. This makes my brain live in a constant state of fear, ever-ready for the next attack.

She suggested I not go anywhere that doesn’t feel safe. Nonetheless, on August 5 I ended up in one of the places that doesn’t feel safe. While waiting outside it proved to be just that. The part of me that will always blame myself initially for something that isn’t my fault keeps telling me that it’s like when a dog senses you’re afraid of her. She knows. She bites. People are not dogs. Some of them are, however, monsters.

I’m trying to build safe spaces for my brain to heal. I’m trying to learn where I can go. If I have any hesitation, I can’t go. If there are people I don’t know, right now, I can’t go. It’s not always respected. It’s not always heard. I can’t care about that anymore. I know what’s right for me now, and that’s what I’m trying to do.

It is some times I heard and respected. On August 5 a friend found me immediately after, and while not always quick to read people, saw my pain and never left my side, let me cry on him. A friend let me cry on her the moment I saw her. Two friends arrived shortly after and ran interference. I’m lucky. Some people aren’t supported like I am. I know that. Still, every time it happens it feels completely isolating. It’s meant to.

On August 5 I never wanted it to be able to happen again. I did some things I’m not proud of. It’s hard to believe it won’t ever happen again when it won’t stop happening. That doesn’t mean I should give up. I want to. Right now, I’d like to give up. I’m still here.

You are not alone. Even if you are on your own, you are not alone. It is not your fault.

20265071_771237697849_7978955904185529401_n

Affirmation 8/15/17

Friend, the world is hard. To live and be in the world is hard. There is so much darkness. Do not give into it. It might be surrounding you. It is not what you are made of. You are not born from darkness. You are light. You are powerful, warming, bright light. Keep shining. It’s such a beautiful thing when you do.

I’m glad you’re here.

Affirmation 8/14/17

Friend, let’s start with calming breaths. Focus on bringing in calming air. Focus on fueling your body with peace. With each calming breath remind yourself that you are good. With each calming breath remind yourself that you are valid. With each calming breath remind yourself that you are powerful. With each calming breath remind yourself that you are loved.¬†With each calming breath you grow even more capable than you already are. You can do this.

I’m glad you’re here.

Affirmation 8/11/17

You are, friend, are doing great things. Everyone will not always sing your praises. People may not even notice or acknowledge all that you are doing. That doesn’t mean you stop working. You aren’t doing it for the recognition. You are doing it because it is important to you. Continue to do it for that reason. Continue to do it for the love of it, joy of it, because you want to help or do or be. Because you want to. Continue.

I’m glad you’re here.

Affirmation 8/9/17

Your pains do not define you. Your pains do not define you. You are the sum of all of your parts. Yes, the hurt, but also all of that beauty, all of that good. We all have pain, and yours is valid. It is, but it is not all that you are. You are so much more.

I’m glad you’re here.