Adventure in Best Practices

  A thing I have to do every night now is this. I have to take a picture of my door, so that I can remember that it’s locked. I have dozens of pictures of this locked door on my phone in my deleted folder. I delete it every morning, so I don’t trick myself. I could easily trick myself. I’m sure there’s a simple compulsive behavior tied to the night I know I locked it, and still woke to find it unlocked the next day. But mostly I do it because I simply can’t remember anymore. I was checking 5-10 times a night before bed, which I’m sure annoyed my downstairs neighbors every time I walked up and down the creaky stairs. And still I’d get up, restless at 2 in the morning completely unsure if I remembered to lock it. I simply can’t remember. And that terrifies me. 

My MRI is Monday the 12th. I found a new doctor, and I meet her the 15th. I couldn’t get in to see a neuropsychologist until November 18, but steps are being made. 

In the meantime, I photograph my door. I chant to myself where my keys are. And lately I’ve been using a tens unit and icing my back and shoulders just to be able to stand each day. Nearly every day at lunch and right before bed I cry for a solid half hour. 

Today I cried when I called Lutheran medical group to find a new doctor and the lady yelled at me when her phone made me sound muffled. It was fine when I heard the hold message. It was a mess by the time I got transferred to her rude ass. So I hung up and sobbed. I called back immediately and sat in my hallway holding and crying for 20 minutes before I gave up. My new doctor is associated with neither hospital network in town. This is good news to me. 

I’m starting to feel like Guy Pearce in Memento. “I guess I’ve already told you about my condition.”

Adventure in beauty parcel

Semi-faithful readers will know that I’ve been working on a Project. I’ve been gathering definitions of Beauty from anyone and everyone I can. I’ve asked nearly everyone I know. Moms, dads, grandmas, aunts, college students, high school students, social workers, teachers, grad students, professors, Americans, Brits, brothers, sisters. Answers trickle in slowly. It’s a tough thing to define, so I wasn’t anticipating an overnight flood of responses. Some weeks I get a few. Some weeks I get none. I don’t know what will come of any of it. I really don’t yet. I’m not even sure how I’m going to go about compiling all of it. Pictures, music, words, videos. I’ve a cornucopia of Beauty on my hands and no such compiling skills.

What has been most encouraging in all of it is the opportunity to hear so many different Hearts. So many wonderful words from so many unique Hearts and Heads. It’s a very humbling experience to be entrusted with all of these thoughts.

Today in the mail I received a true gift. My dear friend Dana sent me a parcel filled with 59 index cards from mostly high school freshmen in Tennessee defining Beauty (and Love), a three page definition of her own, a CD with music that she believes showcases Beauty and an added bonus of encouragement in CD form. I’m so truly blessed.

It’s all so wonderful. I can’t wait to gather it all and share with each of you.

Please, if you’d like to participate, e-mail your definitions to me at Hayley.Liz.Johnson@gmail.com if you’d like to participate in the visual aspect you can also attach a photo of your face, unmade up. Thank you very much for you support. It’s a truly humbling endeavor.