Affirmation 12/27/17

Warrior, it’s okay to remove yourself from bad situations, relationships, environments. Only you know what you need. Only you know what makes you safe. Only you decide what that looks like. Trust yourself. Walk away if you need to. It’s not weakness. Knowing what you need is strength, and you are so strong.

I’m glad you’re here.


Adventure in Waiting, Listening, Pulsing

Mr. Edward Magorium: 37 seconds
Molly Mahoney: Great. Well done. Now we wait.
Mr. Edward Magorium: No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime.

Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium did not do so hot in the theaters. I saw it on one of a very few number of dates I’ve been on in my life. The theater was mostly empty. The people in the theater with us were mostly other college couples, or young couples. Not a lot of children. Not a lot of actual adults. I loved it. I loved it a lot. I loved it compulsively like a small child. I loved it emotionally as an adult. Honestly, if you haven’t seen it, I think you should give it a chance.

I have the misfortune of being simultaneously monstrously observant and emotionally under-developed. It’s a conflicting place to be. Like being 7 and knowing when people are lying and getting reprimanded by a parent for pointing it out and embarrassing the liar. What comes of that as an adult is a lot of uncertainty in my communications and intent to relate. I’m fully capable; I understand that ultimately I may, in fact, be a little better than many at communication. Nonetheless, it comes attached to a massive uncertainty. Each word, each phrase shakes and wavers in my mouth before it leaves my lips. It trembles in my fingers before a key is touched.

So when it comes to something new and frightening and outside my element, I tremble in my heart, in my head. I tremble in my voice. In my action. In my thought. What starts to happen is I start to lose my strength to be logical. Like being weak at the knees in my brain. It means a lot of afterthought prayerful consideration. Lots of “My God, my God, I’ve been an idiot. I’ve wasted so much time. Help me find a way to bring things back. To clear the air, to clear my head.”

I find myself lately praying for strength to be okay with whatever answer God offers me. Even if that answer is so far from what I think I want. Because honestly, when was the last time what I wanted was even remotely on point to what I needed? It was never. They were never the same.

It’s so easy to get swept away in moments. Moments can be a lifetime if you do them right, but that requires a lot more presence of mind than my stunted emotional self can handle.

Some times listening to Ben Folds constantly, in a continuous flow, is the best thing you can do. Or at least that I can do.

Adventure in Résumé building

I’ve been trying to build my résumé to make me a moderately appealing job candidate. As it turns out I have no marketable skills. What I DO have is a bunch of worthless skills. Here are a bunch of ’em.

Mixing paint to match existing colors.
Painting wood to look like bricks.
Painting wood to look more like wood.
Treading water.
Breast stroke.
Typing obscenely fast.
Filling out a v-neck.
Making a costume at the last minute.
Painting nails while driving.
Distracted driving.
Destroying relationships.
Making messes.
Folding, but not putting away laundry.
Applying make up.
Old age make up.
Mermaid make up.
Bird make up.
Drinking whole bottles of wine.
Drinking soda.
Eating donuts.
Eating ice cream.
Spilling staining foods on clothes.
Taking pictures of myself at least attractive moments.
Filling up backseat of car with trash.
Watching endless hours of television, better with shows I’ve seen more than once.
Painting portraits of Muppets.
Buying, but never reading books.
Writing letters.
Baking chocolate chip cookies for small groups of people.
Walking long distances and complaining about it.
General complaining.
Being burdensome.
Reading bedtime stories to 20-somethings.
Vaguely planning weekend trips.
Speaking in loud tones.
Humming, but not singing showtunes.
Playing Jurassic Park theme on clarinet.
Making pancakes on open fire.
Taking baths.
Buying and giving gifts.
Retaining useless information.
Quoting movies.
Seamlessly incorporating movie quotes into conversation.
Wasting countless hours on internet.
Giving crappy, free haircuts.
Giving and receiving back massages.
Bargain hunting.
Painting stormtroopers.

Scenic painting.

Wise cracking.
Wearing neon.
Consuming large quantities of carbs.
Maintaining composure in hospital.
Pop culture knowledge.
Making jokes.
Oversharing personal information.
Irish accent.
Russian accent.
Southern accent.
Deliberately crappy Russian accent.
Minnesotan accent.
Boston accent.
English accent.
Cockney accent.
Australian accent.
Walking silently.
Walking like a duck.
Cartwheel into splits.

*Holds valid driver’s license.

If I come up with a real skill I possess, I’ll let you know.

Adventure in Applying Pressure

I went away from Home for College. I was part of a very small percentage of my graduating high school class to do this. Every time I returned home the only question anyone had to ask me was “So, are you dating anyone?” My Friends asked me. My Family asked me. My Friends’ parents asked me. People I didn’t really know asked me, “So, are you dating anyone?” I answered “yes” to this question three times, but I didn’t really want to answer it. The question itself precludes that anything else could be important. Like my education or the espionage team I had joined or the shows I was working on.

“So, are you dating anyone?”

Now that I live away again, any time I’m home someone inevitably asks me about men in my life. I’m 24. I’ve been in three relationships, and they’ll tell you the relationships were not ideal. It made sense at the time, but in the long run it really probably just hurt our friendships. It was convenient at the time. When it grew inconvenient I gave up. These relationships unfortunately did not have a lot to do with the relationship itself or the guy involved. I’m a pretty selfish person.

This is going to get … messy?

This Spring I had a special friend removed from my previously non-functional Ovary. Apparently, removing something horrible from one’s Ovary, and forcing hormones into one’s Body until the Body produces its own causes a flood of crazy. All the discrediting I did of the weird things women blame on hormones because it didn’t happen to me, I rescind. I was wrong. That crap’s serious. I cry at everything. I wig out when my period is coming. I crave chocolate from time to time, and I don’t even like chocolate. Loneliness hits harder, and what’s worse a Biological Clock I scoffed at begins to tick.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Not so much the pining for children to rear, but the desire to be a part of something greater than myself. Some relationship beyond my own selfish murmurings. And that’s when it hits. My human, media-driven brain tells me that has to be some human relationship. That has to be me in a, for lack of a better word, “romantic” relationship. But that’s just it isn’t it? That’s where God kicks me in the head. If I’m looking to be part of something greater, if I’m feeling a pull to get beyond my selfish murmurings what’s stopping me from looking beyond myself altogether. While the damn hormones persist, I feel God constantly reminding me that that is far from the most significant calling I have. He pulls me out of myself, out of my bed, out of my head, out of my apartment to find a way to love and live beyond what is important to me. If I’m driven by what is important to Him, what’s so seemingly important to me will fade or take care of itself. Right? I hope.

Adventure in the One-Sided Friendship

In Aristotle’s Ethics he discusses Friendship at great length. I read it as a freshman in college, and I’ll admit I was pretty overwhelmed. I was provoked last night to read that particular section of the text again.

In that section Aristotle looks at the phenomena of “philia” which is one of the Greek words for “Love.” Now it is used here to express the kinship between Friends, but is not restricted to use of voluntary relationships. In this particularly segment he is looking to draw the connection between Friendship and Virtuous living, which he believes is largely the basis of Happiness. He believes there are three reasons to “like” or “love” (words that have no connection to feelings) someone.

Reason One:
A person is Good. This, Aristotle suggests, is the only way to a Perfect Friendship. Friendships that are established because both parties are Good will create a perfectly rounded relationship. Equal give and take. Though the taking only comes from pure reception of a truly good giving.

Reason Two:
A person is Pleasant. He does not necessarily use the word “Pleasant” to mean amiable, but that the person is someone from which one can derive Pleasure. He is entertaining. She is smart. He is funny. She is outgoing. This relationship is to Aristotle Imperfect. It becomes a relationship with little trust. It opens a door to arguments. These relationships can be broken easily. In fact, he suggests that to call them “Friendships” at all is pretty unfair to the word.

Reason Three:
A person is Useful. He offers an ear for venting. She offers company when there is none. He drives miles and miles to provide company. She bakes things. He edits your papers. She tells you that you look nice. He buys you gifts. These, like those based on Pleasure, are Imperfect for all of the same reasons.

He does say though that those that do those things not for their own benefit but for the benefit of others are truly Friends. To quote exactly, “Those who wish good things to their friends for the sake of the latter are friends most of all, because they do so because of their friends themselves, and not coincidentally.”

It’s a tricky line. At what point does the provision of Support and Virtue change from purely about the other to the need in myself to have it reciprocated. I have a propensity for setting myself into one-sided relationships. Not strictly the Imperfect Friendships Aristotle addresses. I have a strong willingness in me to do whatever is asked of me, even if it is well-beyond my means or capabilities. It always starts off as genuinely as I can offer. It’s something I want to do strictly for the benefit of the other. I listen. I drive. I bake. I’d learn to declaw cats probably if I was asked, but there still comes in me a very human breaking point.

There is a line. There are months of lines. I talk myself down from my anger. I yell at God for a while. I yell at myself a while longer. “But who will take care of me?” I cry. When I’ve finally remembered why I make sacrifices I let it go. I’m not a good Friend. I’m a very selfish Friend. I want, like everyone, to be loved.

See there comes this moment. There’s an even exchange. We lay it out. Your Garbage on the Table. My Garbage on the Table. We spread our arms out over the filth and pull back whatever it is that comes back. It’s a Perfect Friendship. Until something hits. Maybe you picked up too much Trash. Or maybe I did. We find ourselves carrying heavier and heavier bags. We got stuck under a Garbage shoot, I think. It starts pouring in, and we stand there and catch it. We clean it off. We give it back better than it was before. We give it back when the other most needs it. But we find that as we diligently maintain the Garbage of the other our own Filth piles up around us. We try to pawn it off on someone else, but that results in taking on their Filth too. Maybe they take ours, maybe they don’t. The Filth stacks up. It’s hard to maintain, but this is what we want to be doing. We’re called to carry each other’s Burdens, and it doesn’t seem fair to hand this back to someone. So we carry it. We almost pry sorting through the Trash. Digging beyond what we thought we’d have to. Taking on more. It hasn’t ever been that we don’t want to work with it. We simply thought it was a trade. Shit for Shit.

We find ourselves staying on top of the Pile. We aren’t consumed. We aren’t lost in it. Not in their Pile. Our own Pile is what drowns us. And it feels too heavy for anyone. We won’t let someone else carry it, because we don’t want them to feel the weight of our Pile. But at that Table, even if it isn’t being maintained, some of it was taken. And maybe some more of it should be let go.

Perhaps it’s easier, or somehow more comfortable, to hold on to the Trash of the past than to ever see it go. Or maybe the relationship has become skewed. Or maybe it’s just our perspective, under the Garbage.

Still, when it becomes one-sided, I feel myself with rumblings deep in me waiting to scream, “I want my Shit back!”

Adventure in Stop Marrying so Young if You’re Going to Keep Your Head Up Your Ass

The saga continues with more insight from the astonishing Dr. Ruthi. How long can I drag this out? There really is no knowing, but I imagine the answer is forever. If you have any questions you’d like to add to the conversation please feel free to let me know. We’ll get them worked in.


Young people are going through puberty at earlier ages than ever before in history, but they are waiting a very long time after puberty before they get married (mid-20s for women and late 20s for men).  So, it’s probably more difficult to avoid premarital sex than ever before.  Of course, men have always had socially tolerated options for premarital sex (prostitutes, family servants, slaves, etc.), but “nice” women generally have married soon after reaching puberty, thus lowering the risk of premarital sex.  Today, a woman is likely to become physically mature while in middle school (if not before!), but she probably will wait until age 25 or so before marrying.  The availability of birth control makes premarital sex relatively low risk, so it’s not surprising that so many people opt for the sex before the marriage.  And, I agree with you that couples who marry hastily because they want to have sex are playing a very dangerous game.  Perhaps people shouldn’t even enter serious dating relationships until they are at a point in their lives where they are ready to think about settling into marriage,  but that’s a tough goal to pursue, especially when one’s peers all seem to be in serious dating relationships by  the time they are 14 or 16.  Besides, how can one select an appropriate spouse if one avoids serious dating relationships?  I’m sometimes frightened by couples who tell me that they started dating each other at age 12 (or some ridiculously early age) and that they have never dated anyone else.  So, they get married when they are 18 or 20.  Some of them do live happily ever after, but a lot of them don’t.  I haven’t seen any statistics on the phenomenon, but it seems to me that an increasing percentage of HU students are getting married before graduating.  Maybe that’s the best way for them to avoid premarital sex, but I think they miss out on a lot of the college experience by getting married so young.

Just when you are ready to give up on relationships and to have all males exiled to Antarctica, a high quality male will come along and sweep you off your feet (probably!).  Wouldn’t life be simpler if we had arranged marriages?!?           

Mary Ruthi, Ph.D.

Dr. Ruthi,
Gosh, arranged marriages. I think about how much better that would be all the time. As someone who sees love as a choice and less of a dopey feeling I think that it just seems more logical. If love weren’t something we did and not something we felt we wouldn’t be told to do it.

I’m very much of the mind that the dating game is a silly thing to get mixed up in, if one isn’t ready for a more serious and lasting commitment. I find myself horrified with you for those who get married having never really encountered anyone but the person they’ve dated since high school…or middle school. (Middle schoolers dating. I can’t handle it)

On a personal level, I can’t imagine knowing myself well enough, even now, let alone at 18 or even 20 to say, “yes, this is clearly the exact sort of man I’d like to spend the rest of my life with and who will best build me up in Christ and live my life with me. And whom I will best benefit.” That isn’t to say some people don’t know themselves well enough for that, but most of the 18 or 20-year-olds I’ve ever met hardly know what they want for breakfast. (perhaps in part because they don’t wake up for it) I can’t imagine them making more important life decisions with discernment.
And I’m sure to many I sound like some stuffy prude or a heinous and jaded woman with no place to speak to the subject of relationships. Maybe that’s true, but I’ve seen enough people make stupid, life-altering mistakes to want to be a part of those statistics. That isn’t to say I shall never pursue a serious relationship, but it definitely has me thinking more carefully than I see a lot of my peers who are just happy to have that attention of another. Which is understandable, but the instant that begins to be the reason we start relationships we find ourselves on a slippery slope. That leads to sex and more approval or using each other for our own benefit. We begin to find our self-worth in someone else. In a person who will inevitably let us down. Because people do that, whether they mean to or not. It’s scary that that’s a game anyone would want to play with their self-esteem, heart or mind.
But what do I know?!

Adventure in Continuing Questions with Dr. Mary Ruthi or Gosh, I Give Up!

For those of you less interested in what I have to say, just wait. In a few days I’m sure we’ll have more information from the ever-intelligent and entertaining Mary Ruthi. Meanwhile, my latest e-mail to her.

Dr. Ruthi,
Then I think it’s time to plan that important trip to Chicago O’Hare that every girl should take. Hopefully only once in her life. Right? Right?! Just kidding. Sort of.
I was discussing that concept with some friends in the last few months. This idea that Christians rush to get married because pre-marital sex is explicitly addressed in the Bible. “If we can’t have sex unless we’re married then we better get married.” Arguably, it seems like a worse life decision to get married to someone under the pretense of love for the sake of sex than to just have pre-marital sex. I’m not a proponent of pre-marital sex, but I am a strong advocate for not screwing up one’s life. I guess you could make a case for either action doing that, but I think one would be easier to get over. And I’m certainly not a fan of increasing the divorce rate. But then I’m also not a strong advocate for remarriage after divorce. OPINIONS. (also, some biblical backing there) (I’m looking at you, Blackhawk Christian School class of 2005)
It’s a relatively heart-breaking concept isn’t it? I mean, okay, as far as feminists go I’m a pretty horrible one. We got the vote. I’m satisfied, and I don’t even really like to vote. But there’s something about the sort of manipulation involved in these relationships and interactions that’s just gutting. That as women we would be so desperate for that affection and attention that we would make pretty stupid sacrifices. Moreover that our brothers would be that selfish and controlling. But then, I’ve met men. I know how that works. (Granted, we women aren’t real gems either).

I think you hit the nail on the head though. As women we’re so often so concerned with offending someone or slighting someone. And for some reason in our heads, at least in mine, slighting one man is saying, “No please don’t talk to me all men. I’m not a fan of any of you and I’d much rather live out the rest of my life alone with my cats. And my shotgun.” Which maybe to some degree that’s how it’s perceived too. Like women, men also talk to each other about these interactions. But who are we benefiting by continuing a charade of interest in someone for the sake of not hurting their feelings? “I don’t want to offend you so I’ll just date you. That way when I don’t actually care about you, it won’t hurt as much, because at least I didn’t shoot you down.”

Relationships are stupid-lousy, and the concept of them isn’t looking any brighter.

Adventure in E-mailing Dr. Mary Ruthi

Recently I had been discussing sociological things with a friend. We did not come to a conclusion, so I posed our questions to my favorite sociology professor, former employer and hero.

Here is our informative exchange. You’re welcome. But also, women, I’m sorry.

Well, hello!
Mary Ruthi is to Hayley Johnson as Jerry Smith is to Brett Jenkins-Braun.
So I was discussing boys with L today and a question came up. Now I remember you saying that we pursue those of equal attractiveness to ourselves. I know because I said “No one wants to be the group ugo.” But L said someone else told her that women pursue men on their level or under, but men pursue women on a higher level of attractiveness. I’m not saying either is necessarily wrong, but I just wondered what it was you exactly taught us.
Obviously we’re both disgusted by all men anyway.


I think that being disgusted by men is the main message!  No, I’m just joking!!

Physical attractiveness seems to be valued more highly by men than by women.  Women (having more sense, of course!) attach somewhat more value to men’s personalities and social standing.  This is probably why ugly (but rich and/or charming) men often end up with cute chickies.  It may also explain part of the “trophy wife” phenomenon.  A guy who becomes an economic success in mid-life or even later can use that as a bargaining chip in seeking a more attractive woman to replace an aging and decreasingly attractive wife.  However, as more and more women achieve high educations and good jobs, it’s not unheard of for those women to look for “trophy husbands.”  So, the differences between men and women may have as much (or more) to do with gender roles than with biology.  But, I digress! 

Mary Ruthi, Ph.D.

Dr. Ruthi,
This has been most helpful.
It raises a few other questions for us.
Namely, what’s wrong with us? Or which of us is more ridiculous? Because when L sees a mismatched couple she thinks “How’d a guy like THAT get her?” While I think, “How’d she get him?”
And do you think it more likely for women to pursue relationships with men they see on their level because of insecurities? We’ve been talking about this for a while, obviously.


Hayley, There’s nothing wrong with either of you.  It’s true that women tend to have lower self-esteem than men.  So, women might be more likely to date below their actual levels of attractiveness because they think that more attractive guys would never be interested in them.  Guys tend to assume that they are God’s gifts to the world, so they probably are more likely to go after women who ought to be out of their league.  Besides, women may worry more about hurting men’s feelings by rejecting the men’s overtures, so some women “waste” time by dating men who don’t really interest them.

Also, the whole dating/marriage system creates some serious problems for women.  The reality is that sex outside of marriage is so common that men feel almost no pressure to get married.  It’s easy for an average guy to find lots of women who will have sex with him and who will even cohabit with him (and who will have children with him, for that matter).  So, why should the guy bother with marriage, especially since guys tend to be commitment-phobic?!?  Maybe by the time the guy is 40 or 50 years old, he will decide to settle down and get married.  But, women who want to have children can’t really afford to wait until they are 40 or 50 to find those guys who want to get married.  Besides, those 40 and 50-year-old guys will be going after the 25 or 30-year-old women.  Yes, I’m sounding cynical.  Imagine that!  Women are confronted with pressure to have sex early in dating relationships.  They worry that refusing to have sex may mean that they will be rejected by men whom they find attractive, but, on the other hand,  having sex may reduce the men’s eagerness for marriage.  More conservative Christian guys who aren’t sexually active before marriage tend to get married young (about age 3 or 4, I believe……well, I exaggerate a bit) so that they can begin having sex.  You ladies are victims of social dynamics over which you have little control.  

I’m not sure what’s the solution.  Perhaps you should make a concerted effort to get involved in activities that would attract more males than females (volunteer in a political campaign, join a coed softball league, take up whitewater rafting, hang around farm supply stores, etc.).  Personally, I find the Chicago airport a good place to meet men.  Eeeeek!        

Mary Ruthi, Ph.D.

Adventure in Nearing the End

802) When it’s remotely possible read aloud, even to yourself.
803) Go on surprise roadtrips
804) Embrace spontaneity.
805) Do not fear a plan.
806) You should not ever have a reason to be afraid of the people you love and those who love you.
807) Every day does not have to be an event.
808) Never assume he’s flirting with you.
809) Assume he’s flirting with your friend. It’s easier.
810) Do not fear the seemingly mundane.
811) Enjoy your solitude when you can get it.
812) You won’t and don’t have to be invited to everything.
813) Understand the value of personal space. In yourself and others.
814) When it is possible know your friends’ families.
815) A quiet night alone is not the worst thing. Often it’s the best thing.
816) Being a part of a large group of friends will make it impossible to keep everyone happy.
817) It is not your responsibility to maintain everyone’s happiness.
818) Being a part of a large group of friends will make it impossible to keep everyone constantly included.
819) This includes you.
820) A good-bye should not last longer than the value of the relationship.
821) If he punches you in the shoulder as a greeting, he is not for you.
822) No one to stop pushing.
823) Don’t quit out of fear that you’ll fail.
824) Boys are dumb. (your grandmother’s rule)
825) Boys are jerks. (your grandmother’s rule)
826) There is no time for the emergency room. (your grandmother’s rule)
827) Once you begin waking up at a certain time every morning on a consistent basis it will become very difficult to sleep much passed that.
828) When distance is an issue, see the people important to you as often as you can, without being  a burden or obnoxious.
829) When people start to leave or things start to change keep in mind that you are not the only person in everyone’s life.
830) If the “long drive” is for a good reason it really won’t seem like that long of a drive.
831) When traveling stay with friends when you can.
832) But don’t be an imposition.
833) Even if you don’t like weddings they are a great excuse for a reunion.
834) Lose your cellphone for a few days. I promise it won’t kill you.
835) Keep a list in your head of the people you need to spend time with before you leave, wherever it is that you’re leaving.
836) Plan out the biggest or most important parts of a planned trip. Otherwise, leave the rest to fate and spontaneity.
837) Do not be ashamed of your past. It made you who you are.
838) Some of the most fascinating people you will ever meet, you will never see again
839) Everyone is a story. Listen to them.
840) Do not be controlled by fear.
841) It is not wrong to be concerned, but do not be consumed by worries and what-ifs.
842) A calm voice will get you much further in life than a silent one.
843) Do not sit silently by while you watch something you disagree with take place.
844) If you can change it or think you can, get to work.
845) Do not take more time off than you need.
846) You do not disappoint me.
847) In relationships, do not let anyone feel that what you want is the only way for things to happen.
848) Do not humiliate or defame people, in front of them, in front of others or otherwise.
849) In relationships, it is important to speak your mind.
850) In relationships, it is important to know when to stay quiet.

An adventure in enjoying an imagination

Did I just see “Where the Wild Things Are”? Yes. Had I been anticipating it with every fiber of my being? More than Harry Potter. Do I get sick to my stomach when someone says they wasted their money on it or they won’t see it because of some clouded cynical judgment? Very.

I’m listening to and reading what my friends have to say about this movie and it hurts. Some of them won’t even give it a chance and some of them completely missed the point.

The relationships are so child-like. I had those fights with kids when I was little. When Max ran away I felt the fear of running and running and if you stop you’re in trouble so you just keep going. It’s scary.  Of the huge imagination that literally takes you away.

And for someone to miss it entirely. Are we so “grown up” at this point that we can’t remember anymore what it’s like to have an imagination that isn’t riddled with “clever” dirty jokes? Have our lives truly been that horrible that we are so jaded that we can’t allow ourselves to remember the joy of imagining as a child does?

My life has not been awesome. I’m cynical. I’m bitter, but there are some things I can’t let myself forget about and my child-like imagination is one of them. Friends from high school think this means I’ll just never grow up and be mature.

I think it means exactly the opposite. What good is a parent who stifles a child’s imagination and dreams? What good is a parent who can’t remember what it’s like to travel to grand places in our minds?

Maybe I am too much of a kid still, but I think that’s better than forgetting what it’s like entirely.

The relationships of children are so important. How we interact with our parents, our siblings, our friends they shape how we’ll interact in relationships when they’re even more important. How we’ll interact with each other when all we need are relationships.

How I interacted with Krista Kowatch in elementary school set the course for how we’d interact in high school. And those mistakes, those horrible relational decisions set the course for some of the greatest learning I’ve ever done. And now she’s one of my closest friends.

Learning how to love my mom when I was a kid shaped how very much I love and more over appreciate her now.

Children are important. What they think is important. How they grow is important. And we can’t just discredit that.