You are, friend, are doing great things. Everyone will not always sing your praises. People may not even notice or acknowledge all that you are doing. That doesn’t mean you stop working. You aren’t doing it for the recognition. You are doing it because it is important to you. Continue to do it for that reason. Continue to do it for the love of it, joy of it, because you want to help or do or be. Because you want to. Continue.
Friday was not my easiest day ever. I was at work for a few short hours before I was fired from my job. My boss got choked up, and I had to assure him I was fine, which isn’t necessarily untrue. I told my mom moments later who instantly began crying. I’d not had my own opportunity to cry yet, so I was frustrated. i was weary of comforting other people in a situation that was making *my* life harder. I could feel the selfishness welling up inside me.
I came home and crawled into bed. And cried. I cried for about a solid hour. I sobbed for about a solid hour. Maybe more. I thought about never leaving my bed. Then it started happening. People started telling me that the day was already too hard. I didn’t have to get my hair cut. People that weren’t my friend Hannah. My friend Hannah told me I had to, and since I didn’t want her to cut when she comes at the end of the month, nor did I want her slapping upside the head with a fish.
Friday evening I had my hair cut off. All of it. I don’t hate it. I do however not love it. It’s still taking me some work to love it. I did quickly adapt to how to make it not look like I’m an idiot.
I went to a wedding and felt a little overwhelmed, not by the wedding, but by an interaction or two. Or lack of interaction as it turns out. It didn’t matter though. Friday changed me. Physically for sure, but I think in other ways too. It took a lot out of me to take the blow of getting fired and to still say, “No, God. You’re right. I’ll do it.” Honestly, I was able to sleep in this morning, and I could go back to bed right now. I could probably sleep until Wednesday if I really wanted to.
It’s all very horrifying. But in case you’re wondering it’s all really exciting. My life is open to me again. It’s the damnedest thing. So now all those questions start flooding my head again. What do I want to do with my life? What am I good at? What are my skills? If I could do anything in the world and had picked a relevant major what would I do? Where is God taking me? How many hours a day am I allowed to sleep? How many hours a day am I allowed to cry? How do I pay my bills? What was I thinking?
Is Sesame Street hiring? (I have no marketable skills) Is Jimmy Fallon looking for a friend he can pay to just be fun to be around? (I’m moderately fun to be around) Is there are market for home-grown children’s television in Fort Wayne? (I’ve got an H.R. Pufnstuf sort of brain) Can I call radio stations with wheezy or uninteresting DJs and ask to replace them? (I promise to sound like an annoying cartoon character) Do companies need people on their marketing teams that are just there to be sassy and snarky? (This is my greatest skill)