Adventure in Adventure Bag

Peter Pan is my favorite book. I have three copies of it. All of them are annotated. All of them are worn.

When I was little I was determined to be an adventurer. I was going to explore the whole world. There were tigers hiding in the day lilies. There were hunters hiding in the trees. And while I knew it was just a story part of me was pretty sure that Peter Pan was based on actual events. In the same way I believed (believe) the Doctor is real. It’s all just so generalized now. One person heard one specific story, and those details spread. With the Doctor, if I’m honest with you, I believed every detail. Gobbled it up. Now I know–erm imagine, some details stuck. Big, blue box. One person saw a big, blue box a few times and was like “yep, it’s always that.” And then came a tv show. And then came a fan base. And then came a skewing of the truth. But I know that if I wait it out, he’ll come to my TARDIS. my tardis

With Peter Pan I got carried away. Maybe. Understand me here. I had a great home life. I did. Shoot, I still could if I wanted to move back. But I was a restless kid. I still am. And I thought one day I’d run away. Not out of spite or fear or anger. I just needed to get away. To be free and to explore without restrictions. So I packed a bag. I kept a bag packed, for just the right time. Truth be told, I kept a bag packed in quiet anticipation of Peter Pan coming to my window. I remember crying myself to sleep a few times thinking about how I’m not English, and he’d never come to America.

It wasn’t a big bag, but I wasn’t a big person. A change of clothes. Underwear. A stuffed animal. Webby, from Duck Tales, I think. And my blankie.

This week I did something I hadn’t done for a very long time. I packed the bag. It’s a bookbag I stole from my brother. Olive drab canvas. I stole it when I reattached a strap. “I fixed it, so it’s mine now.” (I’m a bad person). A change of clothes. Shorts. Jeans. Two shirts. Underwear. Spare toothbrush. Deodorant. Yellow, stone-washed Toms. My favorite copy of Peter Pan. The current book I’m reading. Blankie.

Adulthood isn’t so different, and I know I’m not going anywhere, but I feel like I could. I could run away. Is it running away if you’re an adult with no actual obligations or ties?

Know that if the Doctor comes, I’m going. I’ve got my bags packed just like Donna Noble (on a much smaller scale). And when–if he does, we’re picking up Jeff Blossom, and hitting the infinite time/space highway.

It’s summer, and summer is brutal to my heart and mind. The way that winter destroys so many other people. Summer kills me. I’ve been trying to prepare myself. Getting myself ready with favorite memories from summers past. How can any summer live up to the summer of Fox Mulder? How can I survive another summer at all? This one may do me in.

I’m just so fitful. Restless. Chickenshit.

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Adventure in the love vs. need of money

Huntington offered me a great big pile of peace financially speaking. My loans being my heaviest financial burden, which could be easily repaid. I tell you what, it’s not that easy away from Huntington. My rent is about three times the value of my monthly loan payments, which I have not made in months. Were I in Huntington making what I am making now I’d be living quite the cozy life. At present, however, I’m living paycheck to paycheck, and that’s barely doing the trick.

So my American brain says, “find more job. find more money,” which is, first of all, illogical. Hey brain, let’s think. Why not spend less money? Granted I’d be in about the same spot.

It always brings me back to this same spot though. Teaching English overseas. East Asia is more willing to pay people healthsome amounts of dollars, or yen really, to teach professionals, students or just about anyone how to speak English. Which, great news! I speak that! I studied that. I’m an Englishing machine, but then I come to a point of financial and spiritual responsibility. Do I jump on the nearly $50,000 I could be making and banking for some physical and financial comfort at the risk of abandoning everything I know and love? Do I sacrifice and take the hit to do what I know I can for no money a la the mission field?

My brain reasons the latter to be irresponsible. It says asking other people to foot my bills when I’m fully capable is shady, especially when my bills are stacking up, and totally invading my baking space. Is it more responsible to make the money and pay things off hastily? What is responsibility? What is it that really draws me to the idea of teaching overseas?

In part, I’m sure it’s fear. If I run then I can’t be held responsible for things back here. If I leave there’s no one to keep me accountable, but then logic sets in again. And that fear of responsibility is overcome by the fear of no responsibility. If I run from something I know is safe, if not easy, then I’m on my own.

Moving has been a challenge, and it’s a challenge because I’m not really gone. I’m an hour and a half away from anyone I’d need. I reason with myself that it might actually be easier to move away if it were impossible to come back. But it’s not impossible. In fact, it’s impossible to stay away because I had finally found a community. And now, blergh city. So do I take the leap and run? Or do I suck it up and stay?

Then raises the question, am I mentally and emotionally stable enough for either? Answer no.