Recently, I stepped all of the way back and set my boundaries to their default settings. As an inside cat my boundaries are “Stay home. Talk to limited people. Trust few.”
I tried once in the last few weeks to go out. I went to my favorite bar. I was there not 10 minutes when someone asked me to leave, that I was not welcome there. No one argued. I didn’t. So I left.
With the exception of a Harry Potter Garden Party a friend and I threw I’ve been home every night for weeks.
The part of me that understands how socializing works thinks this all sounds very unhealthy, but I’ve decided it’s not worth the risk. Not right now. I need to reset. Going out with even the safest people could still mean someone awful approaches our table, even someone that they trust. The pulse of Fox Mulder beats inside me, and I hear “trust no one” inside my heart.
If people feel so inclined to engage, that’s great. I will always counter “let’s go to x” with “how do you feel about a walk?” or “with this weather doesn’t a porch hang sound nice?” If that isn’t what they’re interested in from me, that’s fine. Maybe in a few months I’ll come around.
For now I know my safe places and people. They are limited. They are my parents and their home. They are my home. They are friends far away and a limited few nearby.
In a week or so I’m going to a wedding with people I love. It still scares me. When situations like this come up, I do what I can to ensure there will be someone there with me who is as safe as they come who will be there to be with me.
Summer is hard for me for a lot of reasons, but a lot of it comes from feeling unwanted because I don’t get invited to all of the hangs or I hear all of the hangs outside my house and I feel weird for being depressed and in bed already. That this decision is something I am owning makes that easier right now. I still hurt, but the twinge of pain from “missing out” is worth the constant fear.
I’ve learned, particularly in the last two months, when it comes to fight or flight I do neither. In my head I fight and shut people down. In my heart I run as far away as I can. The reality is I freeze, like a fainting goat. My voice goes away. My body stops. When everything ends, I collapse.
So for now, I’m staying in. People won’t understand. That’s fine. I don’t need them t